The fight for fame
by Sugarhighaddict
Summary: It is 2 years after the defeat of Lord Voldermort, and Hogwarts has just turned very...interesting. Why? I'm not telling you! Read and find out...
1. prolouge

Disclaimer: Me own Harry Potter? Never! I'm just the genius that wrote this.

Hi Everyone! This is my first Harry Potter fanfic…and is only a tester to see how I go. Be warned that the story may be deleted if I am not happy with how it is going …

Anyway, I have to warn you that I have a very strange, weird and warped sense of humour, and my jokes may not be that funny…please laugh anyway...it would be much appreciated.

Also, I am currently still attending school, and may not be able to update very quickly as I may be tied up doing assignments, studying and so on…so please be patient for updates.

Please review, as I love to hear feedback. If you wish to say any nasties, I do not mind, as long as they help in improving my story.

One thing I really want to say is…the days are still young, and if anybody has any suggestions on ways which I can make it more humorous, you are welcome to say so.

Well…that's all I have to say at the moment.….enjoy the story.

Note: THIS IS TOTALLY AU! So don't complain when you see that the characters …and other aspects in the story are a bit different from the ones in the real Harry Potter.

- Prologue -

Hogwarts just turned interesting.

_After defeating Lord Voldermort, in a battle commonly known as "the battle for the title of the worlds Greatest Magician" Harry Potter became a superstar, making headlines in all the newspapers and Magazines of the Wizard World. People remembered it as a great battle, a show of talent as both Harry and Voldermort completed stunt after stunt. Harry was by far the best magician, beating Voldermort's act of escaping from a straight jacket in a pool infested with 100 starving sharks (and surviving), with pulling a stuffed bunny out of a hat. The crowd had gasped as Harry successfully pulled Fluffy out of his hat, showing off to everyone of his amazing skill. Nobody would have imagined at that time, that only 2 years later, he would be living in the situation that he was in…_

….It had all began during the year after Harry Potter defeated Voldermort and left Hogwarts. Dumbledore had turned 800, an unnatural age, even for a powerful wizard. Everyone's suspicion that he was secretly eating his pet phoenix (Fawks) manure (which was rumoured to have the ability to make a person immortal) was confirmed. Age had taken a big toll on the old timer: all his brain cells used for thinking, logic and speech had finally deceased, after being overworked when the ancient Headmaster attempted to read the sign on his desk stating "Dumbledore, Headmaster." The poor fellow was now an absolute lunatic, resulting in events which turned Hogwarts into a very….. interesting if not dangerous, school.

Examples of these events include: Dumbledore performing Swan Lake in a tutu infront of the whole school, resulting in the mental-scarring and fainting of many students, and staff; Dumbledore going on a midnight swim in the lake, accidentally killing the poor Kraken after letting the baked beans he had for dinner loose (the Krakens corpse still remains in the lake, as Dumbledore still thinks its alive and forbids is removal); he also led a group of third year students on an excursion, saying they were going on a butterfly hunt in the Forbidden Forrest - the few students that returned claimed that he had tried to capture a giant spider, a centaur and a tree.

By the start of the next year, the situation had developed into an uncontrollable and completely eccentric state. Students fought hard to keep their sanity and their lives every day, but one particular student, Potter Harry, a first year at Hogwarts, seemed to attract the most misfortune. Over the past few weeks, Potter Harry had become a celebrity, everybody hailing him as 'the one who lived" making Harry Potter a thing of the past.


	2. Harry Potters fate

Disclaimer: There are a lot of things I don't own…a car, a house, sanity….and Harry Potter

This chapter is _very_ strange, and a little boring…it's just outlining some background information needed to be explained…. Just reminding… this is AU

Anyway, hope its not too bad…PLEASE REVIEW!

NB: This is set at the beginning of the 2nd year after Harry defeated Voldermort (ie...at the end of the year Dumbledore turned 800)

- Chapter 1 -

Harry Potter's fate.

Harry Potter stared in a newspaper article with the picture of Potter Harry smiling weakly from a hospital bed.

_Who would have known? That this boy (and that thief that stole all your money) has led you into this situation?_ A voice in parceltounge said from behind him.

Harry turned, to find Hssss XII, a talking rubber snake, sliding towards him. He smiled and nodded his head eagerly agreeing with the snake's comment.

Over the past year, Harry had turned from a superstar, to a wild animal-like human. It all began about a month ago, when all Harry's money had suddenly disappeared from his Gringotts account. By this stage, Potter Harry had become the new face of the newspaper, leaving Harry had no form of income – long gone were the days where he was paid by the newspapers and magazines to tell the tale of Voldermort's defeat; model the latest 'fluffy fairy wand' by My Little Pixie, or endorse things such as female sanitary products.

Harry then moved out of the Wesley's house, as Ron's brother Charlie, the dragon trainer, was forced to return home after he was discovered partying with dragons which had Happyflame in their system (Happyflame is a plant which makes dragons unbelievably happy, and also gives them no control over their fiery breath or their actions. Due to the tendency for causing high damage, it was illegal to feed the dragons this plant). Harry did not want to cause any issues with the older Wesley's accommodation, and offered to move out so that he could have Harry's room.

Because of his lack of funds (and friends willing to allow him in their home), Harry was forced to live on the tallest branch of the tallest tree in the Forbidden Forrest. The influence of the Forrest for over a month had made him look like a creature, which barely resembled a human. The Forrest magic had also prevented every part of his mind, except for the very primitive section, to function, leaving him mentally similar to a Forest dweller. The only means of recognising him was the lightning shaped mark on his forehead, drawn with a permanent marker by the evil "He-Who-Nobody-Remembers-His-Name" (throughout his years in Hogwarts, Harry had complained about the mark being painful… it was suspected that this was due to his connection with Voldermort, but it turned out that the pain was due to the toxin the ink).

Harry had survived for the past moth by eating the scraps offered by the Hogwarts students, who thought he was a defenceless creature from the Forrest (which was not quite wrong). He had been given the name Smeargul by the First Formers, and was treated like a school pet.

The rubber snake, Hssss XII had appeared out of nowhere when Harry first moved into the Forbidden Forest. It was Harry's only companion over the past month, and had kept him from going insane due to loneliness and lack of people to talk to (He could still say basic things in parcel mouth and English, but could not read).

Harry was still starring blankly at the newspaper article (he had stolen it off one of the students), which had the headline; "Potter Harry survives a 1km fall off his broom, after Dumbledore appears infront of him in a Gorilla suit."

The snake look at Harry, wanting to stop him from staring at the article._ Why don't you get something to eat while I look for a job for you in the paper? _it suggested. Harry nodded.

"Thank… Hssss XII."

_Don't worry about it. _

With that, Harry crawled off towards Hogwarts.


	3. The journey into Hogwarts and an unexpec...

Disclaimer: I know, I know…it's hard to believe that I did not _actually _write the original Harry Potter (apparently, someone called J.K Rowling wrote it) and thus I do not own it. BUT don't worry! I can safely say that this (which is by far better than the original anyway) is 100 percent written by me…with a little inspiration from my friends.

So far, not many people have been reviewing…. : ( Please do so….even nasties would be much appreciated.

I also want to say thank you to my two reviewers, it really means a lot to me.

Fluffysun, thank you for that….I have modified the story, hopefully it is less confusing now.

Snappytom, Thanks…I am glad that you enjoy the story: )

Anyway, here's chapter 2

- hope you enjoy

Note: the things which are bolded and in italics are lyrics from the song.

-Ch 2-

The journey into Hogwarts and an unexpected meeting

_The Forbidden Forest was peaceful and quiet. The sky, as always, was pitch black. The parrots were screeching in the distance, two centaurs were mauling each other for a morsel of grass… in a lush green paddock, a unicorn laid dying peacefully under the protection of a dark, looming tree…_

_The Animal Song, by Savage Garden suddenly blared through the woods -startling all of the forest creatures. Coloured spotlights (from "whoever wizards worship"- knows-where) suddenly flooded the Forest, and Harry Potter began his journey towards Hogwarts. _

**_(Drums) When superstars and cannon balls are running through your head - _**

**Harry Potter **started climbing down from his branch, still wondering how Potter Harry's fame had caused his downfall. After going down a few metres, he allowed himself to fall, grabbing hold of a solitary branch with his two feet with the dexterity of a wild spider monkey.

**_A television freakshow cops and robbers everywhere_**

Harry swung up, and grabbed the branch with his hands. For a minute, he hung there, using one arm to scratch his side, the mirror image of a baboon. He then returned the arm to the branch and proceeded to swing himself from tree to tree on the Forest canopy.

**_Subway makes me nervous people pushing me too far… _**

Still swinging among the branches, Harry took a deep breath and shook his head, trying to rid himself of his depressing thoughts…

**_I've got to break away, so take my hand now…_**

Harry stoped at a short, gnarled tree and jumped off its lowest branch, letting out a wild cry of glee as he fell.

'**_cause I want to live (like animals) _**

Harry went on all fours and started scrambling joyfully among the trees; tongue flapping in the breeze; a delicate string of drool clinging to his bottom lip and a dark cloud of flies tracing his dirty, matted hair. The animals from the Forest (put in the mood by the song, and the lights), one by one joined in his prancing.

_**Careless and free (like animals) **_

A big crowd of many different animals of now surrounded Harry. In slow motion, he suddenly leapt into the air letting out a wild howl, his past worries now completely forgotten… _(Speed goes back to normal when he lands)_. Harry resumed his run, leading the pack towards Hogwarts.

**_I want to live. I want to run through the jungle, the wind in my hair and the sand at my feeet. _**

Harry stopped for a few seconds and rubbed against a tree, marking his territory (and giving his itchy back a scratch). He once again resumed his gay prancing… head tilted back, arms trailing behind him and mouth open -letting his tongue lag at the side.

A sudden loud gunshot from a nearby bush cracked through the air like thunder… bringing the flashing Mardi Gra lights and the music to a complete halt. The animals stopped, confused. Harry felt a pain his shoulder, and looked there to find a dart. He suddenly felt very groggy, and attempted vainly to stay awake…. His struggles only making him appear like he was having a heap of spasms. Finally, Harry fell asleep with a final jerking of the head

…and Servus Snape appeared from the bush where the shot had sounded from, with a tranquilizer gun slung across his shoulder. His face was twisted in a sneer of triumph.

"FINALLY! After a week of tracking…I have found you _Smeargul_… or should I say, HARRY POTTER!" he cried out… a happy, slightly loony, half mocking-but-nonetheless-satanic, laugh. The creatures, who had been watching the whole episode with interest, gasped. Snape turned around; looking at them with an evil twinkle in his eyes (he had recently bought fluoro-pink contacts, disco style).

"Didn't you know that this _creature_ is actually the Greatest Magician in the world?" Snape sneered. There was a series of hushed whispers, while Snape stuffed Harry in an old doona cover, and began stealthily sneaking in the shadows towards Hogwarts –hoping that nobody would notice him in his vibrant yellow track suit and lime green beanie.

Sometime later-

The toxins in his mark were playing up again, the sharp pain causing Harry to wake up. He gazed around, the cold, stone floor, green banners, and emblems with snakes on it, sparked no recognition in his brain, and only brought confusion. A hand suddenly pushed a rainbow coloured substance (which was bubbling, sizzling and smoking all at once) under his nose.

"Drink" a familiar voice instructed.

Harry grabbed the cup, accidentally spilling a drop of the potion on the stone floor. He watched as the drop suddenly gave out angry electric blue sparks, hissing and fizzing as it dissolved a small area in the ancient stone floor. Momentarily dazed as he stared at the hole. Harry suddenly shrugged and drank the potion. His eyes began to flash with rainbow lights, steam poured from his ears, and flames escaped from his mouth and nose. He suddenly began seeing little green Lepracorns, dancing around the room, whilst throwing flowers and stray cats while singing "sunshine lolly pops and rainbow gummy drops…."

The figures slowly disappeared, leaving Harry humming the catchy tune, bobbing his head from side to side. He suddenly realised with a shock, that he was somehow …different. The potion had turned his brain from the one belonging to the creature Smeargul (who only had a primitive brain function level), back into Harry Potter, the defeater of Voldermort, Son of Lilly and James Potter, and ex-Hogwarts student (which was not a dramatic change really…. Only about a 0.5 IQ increase, and memory gain). Looking around again, he realised with a gasp that he was in the Slithering dungeons. He then noticed the person infront of him for the first time. Harry immediately forgot where he was and gave out a terrified scream similar that of a 5-year-old girl.

"This is about that Friday night, isn't it? I wasn't wearing your underwear… I swear! T-They were my…sisters' undies! Yeah… that's right…they were my sisters undies" Harry stammered, cowering in a corner, "Please don't kill me Aunt Petunia!"

Still wearing fluoro pink contacts, a yellow track suit and lime green beanie, Harry's old potions teacher was barely recognisable. The man gave a sneer.

"I am Snape you idiot! You are at Hogwarts…how can I be your muggle Aunt?"

Harry stoped pleading as Snapes words registered. He then grew very suspicious, "_Snape!...I DON'T BELIVE YOU! _Snape doesn't have red eyes, and has a bad taste in fashion…unlike you. Nah! You can't be Snape (although that hair coming out of the beanie does look a bit like his)…"

"They're _fluoro pink_ contacts, and 10000 points off your house for insulting me on my previous sense of fashion."

Harry grasped and grew wide eyed, "It is you…._what happened?"_

Snape gave Harry one of his death looks, but could not stop the haunted fear and anxiety (and bright pink lights) from flashing in his eyes. He took a deep breath, and, attempting to make the topic sound dull and unimportant, explained, "Dumbledore has…changed over these past few years. He- he has developed an…attraction towards me….and I have been attempting to steer his interests away from me, through changing my appearance. (I'm beginning to like this new look actually…)"

Harry blinked. "Wha-"

The metal gates suddenly burst open, interrupting Harry. At the doorway stood Dumbledore dressed in a banana suit. He rushed towards Snape, gabbling like a baby.

"You hair…me like," the troubled one said earnestly. Snape's eyes suddenly grew, wild with terror and he desperately attempted to stay away from the Headmaster. Snape slowly backed up against the Dungeon walls…as Dumbeldore closed in. In a matter of seconds, Dumbeldore was on his knees, producing a baby dummy.

"Marry Dumydore, please?" Dumbledore asked, putting the dummy on Snapes finger.

Snape screamed.

His eyes began twitching uncontrollably. Dumbledore gazed at Snape's horrified face, beamed, then left the dungeon, crying out "Dumby marry Snake! Dumby marry Snake!"

Harry Potter had watched with his mouth wide open, fascinated and thoroughly disturbed. His eyes followed Snape as the potions teacher frantically exploded the dummy, and sterilised his hand with the most powerful cleaning spell he knew. He then ran out, heading towards his potions room, arriving a few minutes later carrying a goblet filled with a cloudy blue liquid. With shaking hands, the Head of Slithering drank the potion.

There was a loud explosion, and Harry was momently blinded by a bright white light. When his eyes finally recovered, Harry immediately screamed for the second time that day. Standing infront of him, was Snape….

….with bright orange, green and blue electric hair… his eyes flashing 56 different colours every 5 seconds.

"N-now..." Snape said shakily, "knowing your brain, you are probably have not come about to wondering why I kidnapped you….but, it is vital that I tell you now,"

Harry gasped, "_You kidnapped me_?" –staring at Snape's colourful eyes with fascination.

Snape sighed, "Yes Harry," he said patiently, rubbing his forehead. Then went on to explaining the reason, his eyes still flashing wildly.

"As you can see…the situation and Hogwarts has gone out of hand…. Dumbledore's lack of brain cells has driven me and the rest of the Order of the Phoenix, into developing a plan to send Dumbledore away, to….Azka….a nice nursing home called Azkaban." Snape continued, failing to mention that Dumbledore had given the Order of the Phoenix a new name "Happy Fairy People"

"The thing is, our plan needs you for… legal matters in case our intensions get discovered. There are many people who will be against Dumbledore being sent away to a jai…I mean Dumbledore losing his title of Headmaster, and being forced to go to a nursing home. That's why we need you; the loved, famous and admirable Harry Potter to convince the public, if need be that sending Dumbledore is the right decision. With the public on our side, the ministry will not be able to stop us. "

Harry let out a huff, "Why don't you ask that _Potter Harry_? He's more loved and famous than me."

Snape gave off a crackled, insane laugh –the different colours flashing in his eyes making the dark dungeon seem like a disco; "Potter Harry? He's too afraid to even mention Dumbledore's name… thinks he will get killed if he does. Anyway, people would trust you more, since you are much older than he is, and are the one that defeated everyone-know-who."

"Who?"

Snape rubbed his eyes and sighed "Potter, that potion was supposed to activate the part of your brain which the Forest magic had shut down. It seems that it has not worked. Do you want me to get you another one?" He growled.

"Yes please! I like green Lepracorns." Harry said eagerly. Snape clenched his hand, resisting the temptation to turn Harry into Humphrey bear. He had forgotten that threats had never worked on the boy.

"I did not spend a whole week tracking you down, to give you an overdose of that potion, which will kill you, Potter. The plan is ready to commence. All we need is you. Are you willing to do your part?"

Harry, who was still engrossed in his own fantasy world, where he was dancing and singing with the Lepracorns, nodded eagerly. Snape gave Harry a hard stare.

"Very well Potter. I shall inform the others," Snape said, "You better go and find a student to feed you now."


End file.
